The Coming Listicle Apocalypse (Or … Six Ways Listicles Are Taking Over)
Aside from the intended irony of this post’s title, the recent onslaught of listicle articles across the web has become so dense, so frequent, so pervasive, I am beginning to think that in the near future one of the following catastrophic outcomes might actually come to fruition:
- No editor on any platform anywhere on the interwebs will accept an article unless there is a number in the title, and a corresponding number of items written about said title in the body of the article. (Sorry, it’s just the law now.)
- If an article does get past the numerologist-like editors, unless there is a number in the article title, no one will even bother to read it. (Why read if I can’t count?)
- Teachers and professors will begin assigning homework, insisting the titles of any paper contain a number.
- e.g. “Six Similarities and Seven Differences of Van Gogh and Rembrandt”
- Marriage vows will be numbered, spoken out loud by the couple to all in attendance.
- Obviously, there would be a minimum of five.
- Children will be named in the numerical order that they are born.
- e.g. I would be called “One”, my sister would be named “Two” and my brother of course would be “Three”
- Dinner conversations would only revolve around listicles. Examples below:
- “What are the five things you did at school today?”
- “Tell me three things you hate about your job.”
- “Describe the six coolest things about walking across the street.”
- “Remind me with twelve different examples why we’re still married?”
In the meantime, take a look at the collection of sites that are exasperating my very personal and picky bane.
Will it ever end?
- An Ode to Hierarchy
- That Time I Was Ambushed By Gord Downie
- On Being Human
- Dear Mister Dylan Benson, you are the Definition of Class
- I Missed My 25th High School Reunion That Never Was
- After Five Years In My Role We’re Hiring My Replacement. Are You Interested?
- trainingwreck is no more … introducing ‘brave new org’
- I Have Never Worn a Watch