close
Search:

I struggle. There, I said it

And I compare myself to others far too often.

Is that the same with you?

For most of my writing career, Iโ€™ve often made the story about others, not me. Be it a keynote talk, book, or post like this one, I like to share observations and insights from leaders and organizations, not necessarily stories from my 25-year career.

Recently on LinkedIn, I posted a short 2 ยฝ minute video of me shot from the confines of my home office. It was rather raw and private.

Yet, in a matter of just a few days, it was viewed over 12,000 times.

I realized two things.

First, maybe I need to share more about my faults, inhibitions, and personal chronicles in a public way.

And second, a lot of kind people thought I was having a breakdown. (For the record, Iโ€™m not. Iโ€™m fine.)

The videoโ€”shared below for you to watchโ€”focused on two key points:

  • I struggle, but thatโ€™s part of being human
  • I need to belong by halting the comparison war
https://youtu.be/ny8YNTV1h5M

Being Human

Perhaps Brenรฉ Brown stated it best:

โ€œWhat we donโ€™t need in the midst of struggle is shame for being human.โ€

Put differently, to struggle is human.

There is no point bottling up your issues. Lying about it does nothing. All of us struggle. Itโ€™s the very thing that makes us human. In my case, I was looking back on the past four years and saw a litany of bumps and bruises that I was overlooking.

Aside from the obvious point of a global pandemic and the climate change events of raging wildfires and atmospheric rivers in my adopted province of British Columbia during 2021, raising three teenagers is exceptionally draining.

Be it their multitude of activities, moods, homework, oppositional defiant disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, anxiety, hormones, friend issues, or even the eldest attending university for the first timeโ€”5,000 kilometres awayโ€”itโ€™s not as though parenting is a constant picnic at the park.

Somewhat obviously, parenting gets in the way of my work. There are certain things I can't write, take on, accept as business opportunities, travel to, and so on -- because I'm a parent of three teenagers. It takes up a lot of time.

I'm not complaining about being a parent, but I struggle to say no knowing that I have to say no if I want to be a good parent.

I left the corporate world in late 2018. From 22 years of having a regular bi-weekly paycheck to sorting out how to become a Paul Jarvis-inspired โ€œCompany of One,โ€ the reality of working for yourselfโ€”often aloneโ€”was another huge change and adjustment.

In hindsight, itโ€™s quite the mental toll.

There have been three deaths of people close to our family in the last six months, all of which were of the shocking not-supposed-to-happen variety.

My latest bookโ€”released during the pandemicโ€”has not sold as well as I had predicted or hoped. The online learning program that accompanies the book has been unsuccessful.

There are more struggles, too. I need not bore you with them all. But my recent epiphany was that we all struggle. And thatโ€™s completely normal. It is simply a part of being human. I need to get better at that realization going forward. Maybe you do as well.

The Comparison War

The second point in the video is my tendency to compare myself to other people. I do it far too often. Be it other authors, keynote speakers, consultants, leadership strategists or thinkers, I realized the comparison war hasnโ€™t been doing much mental health good.

There is nothing wrong with learning from others, but if youโ€™re in a constant battle of comparisonโ€”and that battle is solely in your mindโ€”you wind up in a lose-lose situation.

What I need to do better is to belong. First with myself, and then to others.

It sounds odd even as I type the words but belonging to yourself is an important step. Be comfortable in your own skin. Be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Be comfortable knowing that there are and always will be struggles.

When we belong to ourselves first, we become at ease with ourselves. When weโ€™re at ease with who we are, weโ€™re less likely to worry about what weโ€™re not. And when weโ€™re at peace with both who and what we are, we have discovered self-belongingness.

My epiphany is that I must drop the comparison war and define my self-belongingness. There are no other Dan Pontefractโ€™s, and I have an obligation to stop thinking I should be like someone else. Maybe you do as well.

Putting It All Together

What Iโ€™m hoping to do in being so public with my admissions is to help you feel the same.

You will struggle, and thatโ€™s perfectly fine. You are human. Itโ€™s part of the package.

And you belong. Set your terms, donโ€™t fixate on comparing yourself to others, and please, be at ease with yourself.

It is part of the path towards reclaiming your human agency.

WORK-LIFE BLOOM

PERSONAL ASSESSMENT

Find out if youโ€™re currently blooming, budding, stunted or in need of renewal through the Work-Life Bloom Personal Assessment.

START ASSESSMENT  

Testimonials

  • Dan Pontefractโ€™s keynote on the importance of workplace culture in employee engagement was excellent. ย Dan used his vast leadership experience to provide our conference attendees with practical strategies to build teams that are engaged and committed. His relatable, real-life examples were thought provoking, memorable and very personal, creating a connection to the audience. I would highly recommend Dan as an entertaining keynote speaker who delivers content that is relevant and actionable.

    Michelle Hillyard, Director SCU
  • We are so proud to have had you at our event. Your talk was a big hit. It moved us. We canโ€™t thank you enough.

    Malin Bjรถrnell, Salesforce
  • Dan challenged us to have clarity of purpose, both as individuals and as an organization. He related inspiring stories drawing on his experience in business, technology and academia. As he said, โ€˜There is no ownership without belonging.โ€™

    Christian Pantel, D2L
  • Fantastic engaging talk for our global partner summit. Thank you so much, Dan!

     

    Barb Kinnard, CEO Response Biomedical Corp
  • Dan not only brought his presentation to life with his charisma, but also content, style and presentation finesse. Our members were especially interested in his thought provoking and top of mind topic on the future of work and how weโ€™re going to be leading the next generation of leaders.

    Cheryl Goodwin, CPA
  • Dan is a conference organizerโ€™s ideal speaker. Not only did he inspire and energize our group, but he also masterfully adapted his content so it resonated with the audience and our conference theme. As a bonus, Dan is able to nimbly navigate to adjust to a reduced time slot when other speakers went over time without sacrificing the impact of his session.

    Director and General Counsel
  • Dan accomplished what we set out to do, which was not only to be inspirational, but also to leave everyone with tools and food for thought / self-reflection to improve their personal and professional lives.

    Hermann Handa, FCT

Media Appearances

sidebar hashtag menu home office pencil images camera headphones music video-camera bullhorn connection mic book books file-empty files-empty folder folder-open price-tag barcode qrcode cart coin-dollar coin-euro mobile user users user-plus user-minus key lock unlocked glass mug spoon-knife fire bin switch cloud-download cloud-upload bookmark star-empty star-half star-full play pause stop backward forward first last previous next eject volume-high volume-medium volume-low volume-mute amazon google whatsapp twitter dribbble behance behance-black github appleinc finder windows8 skype pinterest pinterest-o chrome firefox edge safari opera file-pdf file-word file-excel html-five asterisk search search-plus search-minus cog arrow-circle-o-down arrow-circle-o-up edit share-square-o check-square-o arrows question-circle arrow-left arrow-right arrow-up arrow-down mail-forward expand compress eye eye-slash comment twitter-square facebook-square camera-retro cogs comments thumbs-o-up thumbs-o-down sign-out linkedin-square external-link sign-in unlock feed bell-o arrow-circle-left arrow-circle-right arrow-circle-up arrow-circle-down globe filter arrows-alt link paperclip bars envelope linkedin rotate-left bell angle-left angle-right angle-up angle-down desktop mail-reply mail-reply-all chain-broken chevron-circle-left chevron-circle-right chevron-circle-up chevron-circle-down html5 unlock-alt youtube-square youtube-play dropbox stack-overflow apple windows trello female male arrow-circle-o-right arrow-circle-o-left wordpress file-image-o paper-plane paper-plane-o share-alt cc-visa cc-paypal cc-stripe bell-slash bell-slash-o facebook-official trademark registered wikipedia-w question-circle-o